Luke's Dilema
by Kairi 'Shadow Sage' Taylor
Summary: What if a certain incident that happened back in Episode Strike's Back was brought up in Return of The Jedi? Let's review...


(Yoda's pad. Obi Wan tells of Luke's destiny.)

Luke: My sister...wait, Leia is my sister?!

Obi Wan: Yes.

Luke: Oh God...OH MY GOD!!! (Proceeds to puke over the side.)

Obi Wan: Uh, something wrong?

Luke: Yes, something is wrong, **I KISSED MY OWN SISTER ON THE LIPS!!!** Oh man, I feel so damn DIRTY!!!

Obi Wan: Wait, back up a second, when was this?

Luke: On Hoth, before I went out on that last mission.

Obi Wan: Well, it's not so bad. I mean it's not like she frenched you or anything...

Luke: What if I told you it wasn't the first time?

Obi Wan: h...uh...

Luke: And what if I told you about that handjob she gave me on the way to Hoth to spite Han? And what if I told you about all those wet dreams I had in...

(Obi Wan pukes)

Luke: I didn't know you could do that.

Obi Wan: Neither did I. Look, I'm really, REALLY sorry about all this. Really. Wasn't my idea. I blame Mace. (Mace Windu)

Mace: Hey, fuck you! I was all for finding Luke & telling him about his birthright! But you had to be Mr. Fucking Recluse in the Goddamned Desert Planet!

Luke: Ok, can we shift focus from the fact that I had fantasies of doing my twin sister to how I stop my father?

Mace: And another thing! Why the hell don't we get to regenerate our bodies! Those weird guys from Gallifrey get to do it, why not us?! We got the power.

Obi Wan: Because the Time Lords have got it like that.

(Later on Endor...)

Luke: Leia...you're my sister.

Leia: Excuse me, back up a second...did you just say that we are brother & sister?

Luke: Yeah...big shocker, huh?

Leia: Oh God **NOOOOO**!!!! (pukes over the side.)

Luke: I did that too, trust me, it passes.

Leia: You think? The handjob & kiss was bad enough...but the n there ws that little incident in the shuttle...

Luke: What incident? Leia what did you...

Leia: Look, all I'm saying is I was extremely hammered at the time & Han got me all riled up. So I snuck in your room and...I gave you a blowjob.

Luke: **WHAT?! YOU MEAN YOUR LIPS TOUCHED MY GENITALS?!**

Leia: Yeah...andthere was one other thing...you're not familiar with the term 'Tamerian Rim Job' are you?

(The battle at the Death Star 2)

Vader: Your thoughts betray you, Luke. You're thinking of..Leia...your sister...wait, wait a sec, you're also thinking of something else...oh no...**WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH MY** **LITTLE GIRL!!!** (puking sounds as Vader staggers to a railing, looking for balance)

Luke: Yeah, uh, I wasn't planning on letting you in on that tiny detail...look, if you hadn't joined the Dark Side, this wouldn't have happened.

Vader: Son, I just puked in this helmet. Do you have any idea how bad that is?

Palpatine: Wait, can someone explain to me what the hell is going on? And will you please kill him & join me now Luke?

Luke: Fuck you, you dried up old raisan. Because of you & the damned dark side, we're in this mess!

Vader: I blame myself really. I was a arrogant bastard back then, really I was. I should have just quit the Jedi & lived a regular life with your mother. But NOOOO, I had to be a big shot, I had to be a bad ass Sith Lord. Look where it got me, Obi Wan kicked my ass so hard, I still feel his bootprints on to this day.

Luke: The Rebellion's gonna take this base out. What say we kick his ass five ways to Sunday?

Palpatine: Uh, look, maybe we can talk this out over the Jar Jar rug & some tea.

Vader: Do you know what time it is?

Palpatine: Uh,no, not---

Vader: I'll tell ya!! (muscle's bulge) **IT'S TIME!!! IT'S TIME!! IT'S VADER TIME!!!!!**

(Outside Stormtroopers peer in as a bloody brawl ensues.)

Stormtrooper 1: What the hell's going on?

ST2: I don't know...oh my God, look at Luke!! He's putting the emperor in the Crippler Crossface while Vader's applying an ankle lock!

ST3: I don't know which was worse, that, the powerbomb into the pipes or Vader giving Palpatine the Burning Hammer, then Luke leaping up on the bannister & delivering a Shooting Star Press.

ST1: We can discuss this later as we are evacuating. Too bad we can't stick around for the end.

ST2: Don'tr worry. The digital camera's sending a feed of this into my shuttle. It's being recorded as we speak.

ST3: SWEET!!!

Palpatine's Voise: OH GOD, HELP ME!!! VISHNU, ALLAH, ANYONE!!! C'MON Q, HELP ME OUT!!! STOP BEING PISSED OFF ABOUT THE GRUDGE MATCH FIGHT ALREADY & GET YOUR OMNIPOTENT ASS DOWN HERE!!!

(Endor)

Han: Lok...if you love Luke, I understand...

Leia: Of course I love him! He's my brother!

Han: Oh...WHAT?! (Goes over to puke over the side.

C3PO: I say, you seemed to have puked on the Ewok chieftan


End file.
